I've been thinking about my task to make a home.  I didn't realize that meant moving this year.  No wonder God was putting my attention to the task.  I need to homeschool, travel, finish up remodeling projects here, and pack - while making a home.    I will be taking you on the journey with me.  It will be good to know that others are watching.  Then I can't just be cranky, right?  LOL  Ok, I will try not to be cranky.  Perhaps if I can think things through here, perhaps I can make things less stressful in the long run.

My first task is to deal with food that needs to be put up.  Then I need to make sure our homeschool logs are up to date.  The past two weeks are rather bare, in spite of school happening.  I'll check back in and let you know how things progress.

Masks are funny things.  Happy faces to cover a sad heart.  Strong faces to cover a heart afraid.  Nice faces to obscure the anger seething within.  Sometimes the mask is there simply because it's not wise to *go there* with the person you are with.  That person might not be able to handle things in a trustworthy manner or the timing might not be right for information to come out.  Other times, and perhaps the more frequent reason, the mask is there to cover something unacceptable.  The funny thing is, there are a couple of possible reasons something is unacceptable - either it's sin, or it's a matter of fearing that the other person won't be pleased, impressed, or find you likable any more.

I think it's the presence of sin in us that causes us to fear what others think.  How many times have you thought, "They wouldn't like me if they really knew what I'm like."  I think that fear is what keeps people from coming out from behind their masks.  It could even be argued that it is preferable to wear the mask rather than losing one's temper.  I'm not advocating a lack of courtesy and letting it all hang out.  I'm just considering the presence of masks and when they are appropriate and when they are not. 

Hiding sin is a dangerous thing.  The very secretiveness let's it grow.  It's like yeast in a warm environment.  If it's allowed to grow unchecked, you have a monster on your hand, oozing all over the place. 

There is another aspect to masks though.  Hard as we try, those things that we think are carefully hidden away are often very visible to others around us.  Consider the mother who is burdened about finances and about junior's bad attitude and about little miss's problem with her friends.  She's tense and no amount of smiley faces will fool her family.  They can feel that something is wrong.  It can actually make things worse if not dealt with because it seems like kids start to react by acting out or being fearful.  Dh might start to keep a bit of distance.  After a while, all the negativity starts to swirl out of control.  Now she's barely keeping it together ... snappish, hard to please, struggling to make it through the hour, much less the day. 

I'm convinced that I am sinning when I worry about the money ... even if things are behind.  If I have done everything I can do, I'm not gaining anything with my worry except getting worked up.  Eventually, I will feel self-pity for not being where I want to be and/or depressed at the apparent hopelessness of it all.  Don't ask me how I know.  "Be anxious" for this really legitimate worry?  ... for this really important situation?  Nope.  "Do not be anxious for anything."  I like to separate that compound word ... do not be anxious for any thing.  What should we do?  If we do nothing, then anxiety will creep back in.  "but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."  Sounds good.  Then what?  "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."   There comes a knowing that God has it under control, even if it means things will get uncomfortable for a while.  Somehow, in spite of the unpleasantness, He gives that understanding that it's ok - not easy, mind you, just unexplainably ok. 

My boys have called me on this mask thing.  I could be in the middle of chewing them out for not doing the right thing, and then answer the phone as sweetly as I can muster.  Someone who doesn't know me probably won't know, but one who does will hear the underlying tension and immediately be on alert.  Maybe I don't want to talk about it because I know I'm wrong and just need to go deal with it.  Maybe I don't want to talk about it because I know that doing so will cause the other person to be upset.  Or maybe, I just don't want to look bad for over-reacting to my kids.  Maybe I was too worried about what others would think if they knew my boys did something so immature (as if other boys are always smart and act like perfect little angels.)  Maybe I was worried about something else and let it grow to the point where I couldn't handle their boyish behavior.  Trying to hide it only lets it grow - and this includes trying to avoid acknowledging that I'm the one with the wrong attitude.

Being courteous on the phone is not a bad thing.  I don't think it would ever be ok to pick up the phone and bark out something that angrily let's the poor person on the other end of the line know in no uncertain terms that they called at a bad time.  At the same time, if I'm aware that I'm changing my behavior, then I should be aware that there is a mask.  If there is a mask ... I need to know why and deal with it as soon as possible!  Besides ... the only person who's fooled just might be me!

I've pondered on what to write for my first blog.  It's only taken me two years.  Finally, I decided on something totally different than I thought.  I will share some of me and my journey.

I've been homeschooling for four years now.  These years have been a struggle in many, many ways.  It's easily the most difficult thing I've ever attempted.  God has shown me many things through this struggle.  He has put me in touch with the people I needed to learn from because of my homeschool journey.  Who would think that God would use homeschooling as a way to work on a marriage?  I certainly wouldn't have.  He put me in touch with a website through the person I worked with during the last year the kids were in a private school.  That website then had a yahoo group or two.  From there, ideas were mentioned or blogs were listed and I checked those out.  My favorite jumping off point is http://www.ladiesagainstfeminism.com 

It was through those posts and blogs that I came into contact with something I had heard of, but had always thought was extreme.  Stuff like waiting until marriage ... for the first kiss or obeying & cherishing one's husband.  Ok, I'd agreed with the obedience thing, yet I argued with my man and if I felt like he was wrong, I didn't do it.  I didn't show him the respect he deserved as my husband.  Unless things were going well, I wasn't cherishing him the way I needed to.  Looking back, it makes me sick to think of the offense I must have caused him.

On Sunday, I was sitting in church, and God spoke to me (no, not an audible voice!)  It wasn't related to anything else - not the testimonies, not the songs, not even the message to come.  The directive was simple:  Make a home.

Ok ... I've been trying to do that, through various ways and means over the past 20 years (this November is our 20th anniversary.)  The stress in our home attests to the fact that I have not succeeded.  I've hit on pieces here and there, but with no lasting fruit.  I've always felt like this has harmed my testimony at home.  How can I be taken seriously as someone who loves the Lord if I'm impatient with my kids, undisciplined in my routines, nor obedient to my husband?  Some years, I was so unhappy that I thought about leaving.  Because of my mindset, I actually thought I had good cause.  I was very critical - I still tend to be this way, particularly with the kids.  Only by God's grace am I married today - it's by no credit to me.  Fortunately, I have a good man - even if I struggled to always be able to recognize that over the years.

So where do I start to make a home?  I was only briefly tempted to be overwhelmed.  I felt like God was going to show me the way and give me His strength to do it, that now He was going to give me the victory in my home.

I asked myself what a home is.  What makes a place a home?  It's the atmosphere.  The first temptation would be to focus on clearing out the clutter, cleaning it until it squeaks (or would that be a mouse?), and then decorating it with lovely things to make it beautiful.  I've tried that to some degree.  Did it make a home?  No, I was obsessed with the fact that someone just messed it up again.  Then I was discouraged and said, "Why bother?"  A home could be cluttered and messy, with dirt and crumbs visible, and be a home.  The person could make a person feel welcome and right at home.  A home could be worthy of the cover of Better Homes & Gardens, and a person could feel awkward and uncomfortable.  One of my helpers in adjusting my attitude was Flylady (http://www.flylady.com).  She has dealt with stinkin thinkin and the "yelling at
our babies" and the wrongful attitudes that we can develop while trying
to keep our homes nice.  It's the attitudes of the people in the home
that make the atmosphere what it is.

That was where I suspected that God wanted me to start the transformation.  My attitude needed adjusting - particularly where my kids are concerned.  Even so, it needed to start with my attitude toward my husband.  While it would be tempting to say that my attitude toward my husband has been better in recent years (overall) than in the early years, it doesn't mean that God doesn't plan for me to do some serious work here.  The first thing he did was remind me (through a homeschool group email, of course) of a book I had a long time ago.  It's called Created to be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl.  I liked the book overall, but I felt like it was a little extreme when I read it the first time.  It seemed like she wanted us to worship our husbands.  God still had some softening to do there, so it seemed that way.  I started reading in the book on Monday, feeling led to not worry about previous perceptions and just go through it slowly.  This time, I was to apply what God pointed out to me.

So ... the first thing God pointed out was how I am created for my man ... not the other way around.  My purpose is to help him do what God set out for him to do.  This also means being responsible in how I use my time.  Ouch.   So this making a home is going to be a much bigger work than I initially thought.  It's going to be a life makeover.

In Christian circles, it's easy to appear to be sugar and spice and all things nice.  I'd rather do away with that here and be real.  It's easy to hide the things that are shameful in me.  Now I'd rather share my journey as it really is.  Some of these rocks in the path are more like boulders.  When it rains, it's slippery and hard to get up and around them.  It's easier to slip and get cut on some jagged edges.  Perhaps, in sharing my journey, someone will read of my mistakes and learn how to avoid them.  Perhaps, in sharing my journey, someone will see the victory that is out there and can be obtained, even if someone has messed up for a really long time.

This blog will be to share about how I learn to make a home.  This will include God stuff, marriage and family stuff, home management stuff, cooking stuff, and maybe even some animal and gardening stuff.  I won't suggest that what I say is new information that you can't get elsewhere on the web if you look for it.  I'm just looking to share with you, in hopes of encouraging you, along the way.  Eventually, I'll try to figure out the graphics and try to make this look neat.  For now, I'm content to post when I have something to say.

Pleasantly,
Kat